"Imagination sets in...

...pretty soon I'm singing." - CCR

Here's today's FRER - 8dp3dt. Since yesterday I've used four Dollar Store HPTs. Two showed faint-faint-faint lines, two showed nothing. This started to crush my spirit. I thought that the massage I impulsively decided to get on Saturday may have triggered an early miscarriage. Why didn't I google "acupressure and pregnancy" before taking my top off? I'm convinced I brought this on myself. So, I went out and bought 3 more FRERs. Total spent on HPTs thus far this cycle = $80.

Do you see a second line? I think I do. And, this picture was taken within the timeframe you're supposed to read the result, unlike the last picture that was taken maybe an hour after. Are my eyes playing tricks on me? Is my subconscious willing my brain to register a second line? The uncertainty is killing me. If it doesn't work, I will be beyond crushed. I will drink an entire bottle of wine and smoke a full pack of cigarettes before crying myself to sleep. But if I could be one of the lucky ones this time...I can't even express how grateful I would be. I wouldn't take anything for granted. The statistics for IVF aren't as high as you might think (see: http://www.cdc.gov/art/). At my clinic, only approximately 48% of procedures for women in my age group result in a live birth - and they're ranked #2 in the US. That means more than half will fail. Please, please, please, let my failure be behind me.

"Seven days was all she wrote...

...a kind of ultimatum note." - Sting

Do you see what I see? You have to look at it juuuust right, but I'm pretty sure there's a second line there. Holy shit. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. The test was taken 8 hours shy of 7dp3dt which I know is a bit early to expect test results. And, maybe I took this picture more than 10 minutes after I peed on the thing so it could be one of those scandalous evaporation lines. Just to be safe I went to the dollar store today and spent $15 on HPTs. Now every time I pee from now until Wednesday I can check. Yipee!

Even though I'm trying to not get my hopes up at this point it's hard not to. I spent most of my Saturday acting like I was already pregnant. Why, yes - I think the baby would like a 15 minute massage after our manicure. The baby will have a chicken cutlet hero AND a side of potato salad, thankyouverymuch. Actually, make that babies. This is gonna be a long few days.

"Wishing, and hoping...

...and thinking, and praying." - Dusty Springfield

6d8hp3dt. 6.33dp3dt. Not sure which I like better. Well, to be honest, I don't like either because the home test I just peed on was negative. Rats.

During my first IVF, I POAS'd at least once a day starting at 4 days after transfer. For the second round I'm following the same pattern, but will hopefully have a better result. No such luck thus far. Last year starting at 8dp3dt I would show the HPTs to my husband. He doesn't really "get it". In fact he doesn't really get much, but that's another story for another day. He took the early BFNs to mean that all hope was lost. It turns out he was right, but I don't want that to happen again. So, I've been hiding them from him. Peeing on sticks in private. Until this evening. Like a psycho I had both of today's HPTs (5d16hp3dt and 6d8hp3dt) flush against the bathroom window. If you can get the light to illuminate the test from behind you can see the lines even better. Both one-liners. Well, needless to say DH was crestfallen when he saw the tests. It took a lot explaining about HCG levels to relieve his shock. The last thing an IVF mommy needs during the TWW is the obligation to comfort a man. Next time I'm locking the bathroom door.

"I don't practice santaria...

I aint got no crystal ball" - Sublime

There's irony in some of the coincidences surrounding my 2nd IVF and the timing of my 2ww:
- It's National Infertility Awareness Week
- Spring has sprung in the northeast and all the tulips have bloomed
- Easter..."a new birth into a living hope". Catholics believe it's a chance to start over again; a new opportunity to get it right.

Religion does not play a role in my life. Though raised Catholic, the last time I was in church was my wedding day 3 years ago. The time before that was over 15 years ago. Maybe this is why I found this unusual well-wisher so awesome.

My sister works in a rehabilitation home for senior citizens. One of her colleagues, a nurse, is Haitian creole an practices voodoo. Last week sis told this nurse about my IVF. This woman immediately launched into a Caribbean fertility dance for me right in the middle of the home. She also noted it's a great time to get knocked up because it's holy week. I've learned that throughout the week this woman has continued to "pray" for me and my embryos. No animals were harmed in this practice...I asked.

I'm at 4dp3dt and have a few symptoms, but nothing worth getting excited about. My boobies are sore, but not unbearable. My gut is bloated, but then again it kind of always is. Heartburn and nausea could be attributed to the fact that I can't. stop. eating! Then there's the dizziness and the mild, mild cramping. Anyway, for shits and giggles I POAS this morning. White as a ghost. I'll keep testing every morning from here on out. I've already spent tens of thousands, what's another couple bucks for HPT's. Plus, it's got to turn positive one day soon. I wouldn't want to upset the gods now, would I?

"She's waiting...

...for another love" -Eric Clapton

Egg retrieval and transfer are over. Even with a 15% increase in Follistim, I still only made nine eggs. Of those nine, six were immature. Thankfully all three remaining eggs fertilized with ICSI and were returned - one 8 cell (grade 1.5 out of 5), two 6 cells (grade 2 out of 5). Doctor gave my guys/gals 2 B's and an A minus. I'm thrilled with this info and attribute the progress to studying. And by studying I mean no caffeine and a slow tapering off from the ciggys over the past month. Here they are for your viewing pleasure. Check out that sucker on the left? Pretty handsome, right? I guess every mom thinks their kids are gorgeous.

My beta is scheduled for May 4th, about 10 days from now. I know I can't wait that long so I've already printed several $2 coupons from www.firstresponse.com. Every dollar counts at this point, right? Speaking of money, my stomach turns every time I think of the money we've spent. Thankfully we have generous parents who helped defray the huge investment with a sizable donation. But still, the figures are nauseating...

IVF#1 = BFN (mickey-mouse insurance paid for zippo, 100% out of pocket)

• Clinic fees: $12,150
• Hospital fees: $1,050
• Pharmacy fees: $11,950
• TOTAL = $25,150

IVF#2 = ??? (better insurance paid for most medication, some bloodwork, some doctor visits)

• Clinic fees: $9,800
• Hospital fees: $1,050
• Pharmacy fees: $1,300
• TOTAL = $12,150

Right now I've got absolutely nothing and it's cost me a grand total of $37,300. Do you know what you could get for that kind of money? No? I'll tell you:

• a BMW, Audi or Lexus (take your pick)
• Three months at the Four Seasons in Maui (if you haven't been, I highly recommend a visit)
• One year of tuition at Harvard (if you add in the ala carte fees for Assisted Hatching and Cryopreservation that I didn't get/need, then you can attend one year of Harvard Medical School. It might be smart to choose reproductive endocrinology as a specialty. Seems like a lucrative career choice)

shit

"Don't stop believin'...

...hold on to that feeling" - Journey

Why I'm reasonably hopeful, in no particular order:

• Been seeing an acupuncturist at least once a week since October 2010 (6 months)
• Using fresh spermies this time vs. frozen last time
• First IVF with co-culture
• Last cup of coffee was 2 weeks before I started stimming
• Actually took the vitamins this time vs. lying about taking them last time
• New insurance actually covered this cycle's meds saving us almost $15,000 (good karma?)
• It just has to work this time

"Woh oh, what I want to know...

...where does the time go?" - Grateful Dead

Life throws us curveballs and, for reasons no one wants to read, I waited almost a full year to start IVF #2. But here I am, ready to be a pin cushion for the next month or so. I've got a slightly edited flare protocol and am reasonably hopeful about this cycle. I understand that my chances are less than 50%. I am an adult. If at first you don't succeed...

IVF #2 - Apr 2011

3/10: AF
3/21: LH surge
3/29: Co-culture biopsy
3/30: Estrogen patches and Cetrotide
3/31: AF
4/3: Start 525 Follistim / 75 Menopur / 20 Lupron
4/17: potential HCG trigger